There are those times where you go to the store and buy what would normally seem to be innocent items by themselves, but when purchased together seem to tell a compelling story. For example, whipped cream, rubber gloves, and dog toys seem just fine all by themselves, but when they are the only thing in the shopping cart it raises some flags. I hope that store clerks notice these things, they must have some wonderful stories.
Our little puppy Gimli hurt his leg on something in our garden. We took him to the vet and while it wasn’t anything serious, he did need some stitches, a bandage, and a cone of shame. They gave us specific instructions on how to take care of the bandage (which looked more like a leg cast). First we needed to limit his activity, which was difficult to manage, but doable. Next we needed to ensure that his bandage did not get wet. This presented the biggest challenge as 90% of our back yard is covered in snow, and Gimli has been known to pee on his own front leg when it is really cold outside. Anyway, a dog has to get out to do his business and there is no business like snow business.
I looked all over my shop, garage, and kitchen looking for something that may work to keep his bandage dry. I was looking for something that could be easily be put on and taken off, but wouldn’t come off all by itself. Something that wouldn’t damage the bandage or be too tight, but was tough enough so it wouldn’t get shredded in the snow and ice. No dice. So off to the store I went to find something that would fit over his cast to keep water out
I went up and down each isle at the supermarket looking for anything that would fit the bill. I looked at zip-lock bags, orthopedic socks, vegetable bags, tape, anything that would keep a dogs leg shaped bandage dry.
I am as guilty as anyone with impulse buying in the grocery store. So, during my search through each and every isle I added stuff that I wanted or needed to my basket. I just love this time of year because they sell those little candy hearts, so I bought two bags. I saw some rubber gloves and thought that maybe the finger could be cut off and stretched enough to fit over his leg. Oh, and garbage bags, butter, and hot chocolate mix.
Then as I walked past the section in the grocery store where they sell “family planning” items, I had an idea…. Yes, a Condom. It has the perfect shape and would keep moisture out. It also has the bonus feature of being already rolled up to aid putting it on his leg. Next I had to choose the right condom for the job. I didn’t need anything that is chemically treated to add to his/her pleasure, the puppy is enough of a menace to our cats as it is. I also rejected any of these products that had chemicals applied such as spermicides, or extra lubricants for obvious reasons. Then on a whim I choose the one brand that had Extra Large on the label. I figured that if I am going to buy a condom it may as well be a big one. Also it may fit over his leg without binding too much. It has been 30 years since I bought a condom, I don’t remember what size they come in. Pardon the pun.
I put the package in my basket without much thought to what else I was planning on buying and headed over to the self-check. I usually resist using the self-check because it makes me feel like I am going the checkers job without gaining the benefit of being paid for the effort. However in this instance it seemed the wise thing to do. I was thinking of going to the usual checkout line just to see if there would be any reaction from the checker, but decided that it would be easier to check out myself. I even thought of a way of explaining that the extra-large condoms are for my 12 pound puppy.
So at the self-check line I had to decide which item would be best to check first. I figure that some things are best done quickly, so I went for the condoms. As soon as the thing went beep on the scanner, the machine notified the clerk to come over and remove the security device. There was no security device, but she had to check into it anyway.
I am not sure if she noticed anything out of the ordinary, she was a professional and well composed. After I left I really hope that she went to her co-workers to discuss what I would be up to with rubber gloves, butter, condoms, and candy hearts.
I have to say that the condom over the dog leg bandage really works well. The only part that is not convincing is the reservoir tip wiggles a little when he walks. I expect that this is probably the funniest thing our cats have ever seen.