Stupid morning tricks


For years I didn’t think of myself as a morning person.  I was much more comfortable at night.  From the time I got home from work until around midnight I was much more alert, alive, creative, and energetic.  It’s funny how things change with age.   Lately, I have migrated to being a morning person.  At first I thought this would be a good thing, but there is a price to be paid.  When I was a night person it took me about an hour to wake up in the morning.  Nothing has changed since I my biological clock have changed me into a morning person.  I still have to take an hour every morning to come up to speed.   

To compensate I carefully plan my emergence from bed so that no intelligent demands are placed upon me for the first hour.  This hour prep period calls for an even earlier alarm clock setting.  4:45 seems to work out best for me.  I know that seems early to most of you, but it is mandatory due to the fact that I have to have all my brain available before 6am.  I call this the wonder hour.  As in “I wonder what I was thinking” during this hour.

The other day I got out of bed a half an hour late.  I also call this the wonder hour because if I leave home before this hour is up I will be constantly wondering what I forgot.  So after my usual morning prep work I leave the house for work.  I am considerate of my lovely wife, so I close the front door behind me with the door lock already engaged.  There is a small little moment just before the door closes where my mind goes into overdrive looking for something that I forgot.  Once closed, I am kind of committed, at least in the remembering the keys department. 

Damn.  My brain could not find the moment in my memory where I took the keys off the hook.  So like the brain dead zombie I am, I try the door.  It’s locked.  I walk around to the side of the house and, with a little effort, climb the six foot cedar fence.  I get some mud (I hope) on my shoe and twist my ankle a little.  It’s still dark so I feel my way around the side of the house into the garage.  Then I knock over a length of conduit.  It scares the crap out of me; the noise seems to go on forever.   The cat freaks out and it runs inside with its tail all a fluff.  I fumble for the light switch so I can see the door knob.  As I open the door the first thing I see is my lovely wife, wearing a towel, and giving me the “what the fuck are you doing” look.  She also has a little smirk, because she knows exactly what I have done.  I look at the box on the wall where I hang my keys.  The hooks are empty.  I stand there in disbelief; it isn’t possible that the keys are gone.  I don’t remember taking them off the hook, someone must have stolen them.   I check my pockets.

I had the keys the whole time.

The cat actually looked smug. 


Tips and hints for new morning people; or how to avoid thinking during the wonder hour.

#1.  Make coffee and set the auto timer the night before.  I have found that making coffee in the morning is nearly as hard as doing open heart surgery on a live cat. 

#2.  Lay out your cloths the night before.  If I do not do this, people will ask if my mom knows that I dressed myself.

#3 Check the bathroom before you go to bed and make sure there is a towel in there.  I once put a bed sheet on the towel rack in the bathroom and didn’t notice it until I told my wife that our towels suck, and they are too big. 

#4 Feed the cat.  Never spend any time naked in front of a hungry cat.

#5 Make lunch the evening before, or just go out to lunch.  I am always amazed what I find in my lunch if I pack it in the morning before the wonder hour is up.  I once found four pieces of bread in a zip lock bag in my lunch. I got home and there was a sandwich in the bread bag.

#6 Don’t even think of ironing, see #2


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2 thoughts on “Stupid morning tricks

  1. planetross says:

    I leave an extra key in a cabinet outside my frontdoor in a little styrofoam cup. The only person, other than myself, who knows where it is, is Mr. Pettit … and anyone who looks in the styrofoam cup in the cupboard.

    note: hopefully no one realizes that my big windows are open as well.

  2. Wenchypoo says:

    …and I thought I had early-onset Alzheimer’s! You need more beer… :)

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