Creative Ray guns

Just some ideas…

This post kind of builds on a previous post I did on Phasers.  I really like the idea of non-lethal weapons, especially something in the esoteric department.  A Phaser set on stun would be a cool weapon, but dropping someone onto the hard ground like a sack of wet rice may do permanent harm.  It may even cause situations where loss of life would occur, which would of course negate the whole non-lethal thing.  Imagine a police officer using a Phaser set on stun on a moving vehicle, or at the edge of a river, or maybe even while perusing a perp up a ladder or staircase.  There must be better options than simply using a Phaser to make someone instantly unconscious.  What I am looking for is a weapon that can be set to provide not only non-lethal force and restraint, but irony as well.

I was watching a show on Netflix last night called future weapons.  The weapon of choice on this episode was literally a ray gun.  It used high frequency radio waves in a concentrated form to heat its victims at a respectable range. The report claimed that no damage is done to the intended victim, but it is claimed to be so uncomfortable that it would instantly disperse an angry mob,  rioting protesters, etc…  I was impressed with the weapon; however my first thought was one of countermeasures.  Would a tinfoil hat help?  Tinfoil certainly works wonders in a microwave oven, and it seems that the device works on the same principal.  I don’t think their tests went far enough.

There are a lot of fanciful ray guns featured in movies.  One of my favorites is a movie called Mystery Men.  If you get a chance check it out.  In the movie a character named Dr. A. Heller specialized in non-lethal weapons.  The “Blame thrower” and the “shrinker” were both used in the movie.  These were funny in the movie, and it’s going in the right direction, but getting people to argue with each other seems to aggravate many situations where non-lethal force should be used.  And shrinking clothes could present major medical issues, especially if used in a Wal-Mart.

One of my favorite books of all time is Snow Crash by Neil Stephenson.  In the book, the author explored several non-lethal weapons.  My favorite was the loogie gun.  The idea was that cops have to carry so much gear that they really can’t chase after perps, and killing or wounding then causes too much litigation and court costs.  The best way to deal with an escaping prep is to immobilize them. To quote from the book,

“She tried to run.  The cops used their short range chemical restraint projector – a loogie gun. Their plan worked. The loogie, when expanded in the air, was about the size of a football. Miles and miles of tiny cables like spaghetti with sticky gooey stuff that stays liquid until the loogie gun is fired. The snotty, fibrous drops of stuff wrapped all the way around her arm and forearm, lashed to the bar of the gates.” 

Cool, but still not what I am looking for.

I am looking for a weapon with multiple settings that can be instantly be configured to deal with different situations.  Or maybe just different choices of guns to be selected for the appropriate defensive situation.  For example a general stun setting would be great for a misbehaving high school student, the teacher would use it to simply give the student a “time-out” But it’s not a good choice for a crack addict running from the police in a used Yugo in San Francisco. 

What follows are some basic ideas for ray-guns.  Of course I have completely ignored physics and commonsense, but that’s part of the fun.  I also included some instances where these weapons could be useful.

The political polarity shifter.  This ray gun would immediately and temporarily shift the political leanings of its victim to their opposite pole.  Liberal – Conservative and visa-versa.    It would have no effects on the truly moderate.  I would give this device to every bartender in the Washington DC area.  What fun, and a little time in the other guys shoes would be instructive.

The pants wetter.  This ray gun would cause its victim to immediately pee her or her pants.  This would be especially useful for waitresses dealing with obnoxious customers, particularly business men in groups having a three martini lunch while flirting.  One ass grab and pow! The waitress gives the whole lot of them a trip to the drycleaners.  The weapon could have an additional brown setting for the truly obnoxious. 

The sober gun.  This gun would immediately cause its victim to not only sober up, but to vividly recall everything they did while drunk.  Great for police to use on drunk drivers, however suicides may result in certain coyote situations… 

The gender Reverser.  This gun would immediately cause its victim to think in the same manner as the other gender.  Great for women to use in a potential rape situation, after the “pants wetter” is used, set on brown.  This weapon would eventually be abused and have to be banned, especially in the bible-belt.

The shut-up gun.  This is my personal favorite, best used in a movie theater or restaurant.   It would also be a great tool for the police; however it would make the television show Cops even more unwatchable. 

The hand paralyzer.  I think it would be quite useful for most police and anti-terrorist situations.  I imagine all of those situations shown in crime dramas where the bad guy is holding a hostage at gun point.  One shot from the hand paralyzer and the perps hands get all floppy.  This would also be an ideal setting for when cops are called to check on a “Domestic disturbance” call.  Just hose down the whole home, takes away the worry over whether or not the people inside are carrying a weapon.

The Pigment reverser.  This weapon would be great for race riots, Klan meetings, and skin head violence.  One press of the trigger and the victim’s skin pigment reverses. The darker or lighter the skin the larger the change.  Of course this would be temporary.  I also think there should be a bright green setting to be used exclusively on environmentalist protesters. 

This list is of course incomplete without your suggestions….  Please feel free to comment with your ideas.




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