I am leaving for home tonight. 


I thought it would be appropriate to give some advice to my fellow wayward travelers.  I understand that the chance of someone reading this before I leave is near zero. It will, however, make me feel better to jot some of these points down. 


Before leaving for the airport please do the following:  Take a shower, strongly sedate your children, and use the bathroom.  Oh, and if you have a wet nasty phlegm filled cough, stay home.


When you arrive at the airport check all the bags you can.  If you can’t lift your bag over your head, check it.  If you can’t fit it under your seat, check it.  If you have any doubt, check it. 


In the TSA security line, think ahead.  I don’t want to have to wait while you fumble around; the procedures were clearly spelled out for you to follow.  Oh, and leave your knee length tie up the back boots at home.


When you get in line to board the plane listen to the flight attendant and get onboard in the right order.  There is no prize for getting on first.  When you get aboard sit your ass down, shut up, and get off the phone.


Once the plane lifts off please don’t recline your seat back to its maximum position, you don’t like it when the person in front of you does it, why do you think you’re so special?  It’s only a two hour flight; you don’t have to unpack all of your personal support gear.  Oh, and please use your “indoor” voice.  And no I don’t want to talk about why your life sucks.


After the plane lands please don’t stand up as soon as the plane stops moving.  It will be a while before you can move and I don’t want your ass at my face level for the next half an hour. 


When you get to the greeting area don’t stop.  Keep moving and get the hell out of my way, I want to get my bags and go home.  Oh, and stay to the right, some people walk fast.  And another thing, escalators are just like stairs.  If you want to stand still and go up to another level the elevators are near by, use them.


If you taking that moving walkway, here is a little tip:  They are not made for you to stop in the middle and make a phone call.  Move to the right, allow others to pass.


Follow these simple rules and you may just make it to your destination without other people describing you with words like “Stupid, ignorant, dickhead, fuckwit, nimrod, ass-wipe, stinkpot, jack-ass, etc…” 

Unless that’s what everyone calls you anyway.




One thought on “PDX to DIA

  1. planetross says:

    I’ve met a few of those people in the airport!
    … or all of them
    … at once
    … everytime.

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