Re-rating movies

I went to see the movie Iron Man a few weeks ago.  I was somewhat disappointed, not in the story or the action, nor was I disappointed in the special effects, I was disappointed on the lack of nudity and foul language. 

I understand that for the movie to draw the largest audience possible it has to support the toy and happy meal market.  Thus, to be profitable, a movie must attempt hold down its rating as much as possible.  There are not many blockbuster R rated movies. 

 As an adult audience member that enjoys watching cool robots blowing up stuff, Scarlet Johansson kicking ass in a skin tight outfit, and Gwyneth Paltrow slinking around in hot business suits, I expected a bit more.  No, I am not interested in out right porn, but how about a nice R rating?  However, R ratings for action movies are a risky proposition, kids won’t by action figures if they aren’t allowed in the theater. 

There should be a way to both make money selling crappy toys and please the dirty old men who would like some “Action” in action movies… 

Then it hit me.  We have the technology to edit the crap out of movies, why not make two or three edited version of every movie? Edit the crap back into some movies as it were. Make a G, PG, and R version of every movie, and then release them all at the same time in different theaters.  Yes, I said every movie.  It would open up a whole new dimension, not just for action movies like Iron Man, but animated movies as well.

It would be a win-win for everyone.  The little kids that go to see Iron Man could see it in another theater, and then maybe I can enjoy the movie in my own little R rated seat without the noisy little rug-rats spoiling the ending.  Parents can enjoy not having to subject their kids to even more mindless violence and sex; it would simply be edited out.  And finally I, as a dirty old man, could enjoy going to see an animated movie again. 

Just think of how much more enjoyable movies like The Incredibles would be if we could just get a glimpse of Elastigirl shaving her legs in the shower?  I know… I am one sick puppy.  How about some more realistic dialog for a change?  I know it must have been hard for Samuel L Jackson to hold back on what he really wanted to say as Lucus aka “Frozone”

(G)

[Bob and Lucius are rescuing people from a burning building]

Bob: Can’t you put this out?

Lucius: I can’t lay down a layer thick enough. It’s evaporating too fast!

Bob: What’s that mean?

Lucius: It means it’s hot! And I’m dehydrated, Bob!

Bob: You’re out of ice? You can’t run out of ice! I thought you could use the water in the air!

Lucius: There *is no* water in the air! What’s your excuse, running out of muscle?

Bob: I can’t just go smashing through walls! The building’s getting weaker by the second, it’s going to come down on top of us!

Lucius: I wanted to go bowling!

 

            (R)

[Bob and Lucius are rescuing people from a burning building]

Bob: Crap, can’t you put out the damn fire?

Lucius: I can’t lay down a layer thick enough. It’s evaporating too fast!

Bob: What’s that mean?

Lucius: It means it’s hot! Dumbass! And I’m dehydrated!

Bob: You’re out of ice? You can’t run out of fucking ice! I thought you could use the water in the air! Shit!

Lucius: There *is no* water in the air! What’s your excuse, running out of steroids?

Bob: I can’t just go smashing through walls! The building’s getting weaker by the second; it’s going to come down on our dumb asses!

Lucius: I need a fucking drink!

 

This would also make it easier for the editing department once the movie hits television.  The original story could maintain some continuity rather than butcher the entire dialog with poor verbal substitutions.  Just imagine how movies would improve without digital air brushing and fuzzy pixilated privates.  Imagine how much more fun Shrek would be if he could have really cut loose with more accurate Ogre speak. 

Shrek: [to Donkey] I already told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me! I live alone! *My* swamp! ME! Nobody else, understand? *Nobody*! Especially useless, backward-ass, screwed-up, pathetic, shit for brains, TALKING *DONKEYS*!

 

Of course some movies would suffer.  I can’t imagine a movie like Pulp Fiction being toned down to a level where it would be ok to take a toddler to see it. The movie just wouldn’t make any sense.  But then again Pulp Fiction doesn’t make much sense anyway, especially to anyone under 12.  I hope.

Ok, Ok, maybe I am asking a bit too much.  Maybe editing would be best done after the fact and posted on the internet.  I would not be surprised if there is already an army of geeks with Apple I-Pads out there furiously editing cartoons into R rating history.  If you find any, please let me know.  Just don’t send me the link.  Sometimes it’s better to know rather than to witness. 

Maybe sometimes it is best to leave some ideas alone.  Like flying cars or nymphomaniac robots, some ideas are best not implemented into reality.  Maybe my imagination is their best home at present.  

That said, I think that the Star Wars prequels would have been vastly improved with an R rated version.  But that’s just my opinion.

-pf

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4 thoughts on “Re-rating movies

  1. Cave says:

    That’s not an opinion w/r/t the Star Wars prequels. That’s just cold, hard fact. Least they could do is beef these things up for later release to video. Instead of a Directors Cut, where they stick in all those scenes that really didn’t belong in the movie anyway, they should do this.

  2. Mike says:

    What I can’t figure out is how the bar got so low for PG-13 movies. So many movies we see today with a PG-13 rating have us leaving the theaters scratching our heads. We’ve gotten to the point where we pretty much let our 11 year-old see just about any PG-13 movie that comes out.

    A perfect example is The Goonies (one of my all-time favorite movies). NO WAY would this escape a PG-13 rating today. They have that scene where they break the ding-dong off of the statue. Holy crap, the FCC would never allow that in a PG movie today.

    I checked and the first movie that got a PG-13 rating was Red Dawn. I can kind of see that. Lord knows it was violent enough to fuel a lot of pre-teen fantasies for me and my pals. Man, if only the Ruskies had invaded Kentucky. We would have been ready for them.

  3. Psyphi says:

    X-Rated Star Wars

    That is all

  4. S. Le says:

    It IS funnier your way!

    Star Wars episode #1 would have been improved by killing the kid and JarJar. Also could have given it an R rating. A win-win, yeah?

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