Flounder interview.

I was fortunate enough to have a short interview with a veteran of O-PIG via G-chat.  He, of course, used a fake account on a public computer to mask his identity.  To help protect my source I have changed the font and size of the text.

Pf- “Mr. Smith, thank you for this rare interview”

Mr. Smith- “Your welcome, I figured that it was safe to speak to you since your site has such a low hit count, and FARK wouldn’t reply to my e-mails.”

Pf- “Yea, thanks…  You have explained the role that O-PIG plays in perpetuating the notion that our government is to inept to hide secrets, can you describe your current position?”

Mr. Smith- “My position with in O-PIG is project director of incomprehensible impediments.  These projects are directed towards slowing down otherwise functioning agencies.  Other project directors perform functions such as information confusion, network unreliability, and attitude down-adjusters. 

Pf- “can you give me any examples of a project that you worked on during your extensive career?”

Mr. Smith- “Yes, in fact I headed up an O-PIG task force back in the 70s.  I was put in charge of a project to help the Department of Motor Vehicles.  In the late 70s we began to see a serious issue developing with the early advent of computers.  This had the potential of streamlining a process that at the time worked marginally well.   You can see how this was an important project, it effected nearly every American of voting age.   Motor vehicle registration and licensing is done at a state level, so you can imagine the immense the scope of this project “

Pf- “So what did you do to correct the situation?”

Mr. Smith- “I invented the system where people would take a number and wait.  This worked well at first, but in a few places this process actually caused a decrease in the waiting times and thus an increase in efficiency.  This is of course was intolerable.  So I had an inspiration, there could be two lines, one for people with a number and one for people that needed another service of some type or another.  We weren’t specific on this what type of service, it’s best to let employees use their imaginations.  The confusion was incredible and also impossible to correct.  The rest they say is history.”

Pf- “Was this strategy used with other projects?”

Mr. Smith- “Yes, this was such a success that it was adapted for use in nearly every sector of public service.  However, it works best where other systems are already in place.”

Pf- “What other systems are you speaking of?”

Mr. Smith- “An assistant of mine came up with a policy of mandatory breaks for all employees.  This along with the suggestion that employees should come to work at different times of the day ensured that employees would take breaks at a seemingly random schedule.  The effect was profound.”

Pf- “Can you tell me about any projects that are currently underway?”

Mr. Smith- “To tell you the truth there hasn’t been much going on since 2004.  Once we saw how the election was going and we figured that, it was a win-win scenario.  We soon found that government at all levels maintained a level of incompetence that our services were not needed.  Some of our efforts were even begging to show positive results, this was against our charter so we had to slow down our operation.

Pf- “So has this resulted in any down sizing?”

Mr. Smith- “Yes, these last few years really made us reflect on the value of our service.  I believe that the talents of O-PIG may no longer be needed.   Some of my colleagues say that we have been obsolete for many years”

Pf- “Do you have plans for the future?”

Mr. Smith- “I am retiring from O-PIG later this week. I hope to find work, part time, in the private sector.  Maybe I will open a medical marijuana clinic.”

Pf- “Thank you, Mr. Smith I appreciate your time.

Mr. Smith- “It was the least I could do to further the cause”


2 thoughts on “Flounder interview.

  1. Archvillain says:

    In Lieu of Red Tape.

    ‘Nuff said.

  2. planetross says:

    Is there an opening at “O-Pig”?

    I think I have good qualifications. … hee hee!

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