This weekend I went with my youngest son to see Zombieland. My son is a big fan of zombie films, it’s just one of many things we have in common. Zombie films are good for is teaching survival skills. Being prepared is half the battle when dealing with the un-dead. My friends at the Zombie Squad remind us, if you’re prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse you’re ready for anything
Also it is important to prepare oneself to view a zombie movie. Like all movies the key to enjoying the movie experience is location, comfort, and fuel. The best location to view a movie is supposed to be the center of the theater about halfway to the back. However, my son and I are abnormally tall so this is out of the question. We prefer seats in the back corner where there is zero chance of anyone uttering the words “Excuse me” while placing their sizable ass between my face and the screen. Another essential element to movie enjoyment is to wear loose clothing. There is nothing worse than tight shoes, pants, etc when sitting for over an hour and a half. It makes me fidgety. Then there are the required foods for enjoying a zombie movie. This takes preparation. For some reason movie theaters do not sell beef jerky. Go figure. Zombie movies simply cry out for beef jerky. So a trip to 7/11 on the way to the theater is a must, so are large pockets to hold your ill gotten booty. (Pun intended) The jerky must be the large slab type, not the little sticks. Ripping flesh with your incisor teeth while moaning adds that little touch of realism that other movie goers value so much. Also the smell is quite appropriate, especially if the jerky is really spicy. Mmmm it’s like smell-o-vision. Also popcorn with some kind of seasoning really hits the spot. I had ranch seasoning and a coke slushy.
So, while I thought I was prepared it turned out that I didn’t even think of one prime ingredient: Twinkies. This is basically the theme of the film, the pursuit of Twinkies. I was also not prepared to enjoy it as much as I did. I simply can’t recommend this movie enough.
Rarely does a movie seem to read my mind like this one. Not in a way of a predictable plot, but in wish fulfillment. Each and every plot twist I would think to myself, “man wouldn’t it be great if this would happen” then it did. From valuable advice, to discussions on the best zombie kill, to theme parks and Bill Murray, everything went exactly where it should go.
Woody Harrelson either did a fantastic acting job or simply played himself. I could not tell the difference, but then again I don’t know him personally, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt. Jesse Eisenberg likewise did a wonderful job. I really felt like his character morph from a basement dwelling, video game playing, virgin to a cautious but lethal zombie slayer. That nerd can really swing a toilet lid. The two girls were nice to look at and did their part as young hustlers, but their role was primarily to provoke, annoy and entice the male cast members. This is after all a zombie movie not a chick flick. Women will basically shy away from this film, so this is defiantly not a date movie. Bring your buddies, stop for hot wings and a beer after the movie.
One of the best parts of the movie was the list of rules to surviving a zombie apocalypse. The movie basically revolved around following these rules, showing them in appropriate places, and the never ending quest for the worlds last Twinkies. Below is the list of zombie apocalypse rules of survival. I found that there are many holes to be filled. Feel free to try to fill them, I will update as nessessary. Maybe they will be filled by a sequel, one only can hope. Most are self explanatory.
I am sure that the creative minds of my dozen or so readers will jump at the chance…
Rule 1: Cardio
Rule 2: Beware of Bathrooms
Rule 3: Seatbelts
Rule 4: Doubletap
Rule 5: No Attachments
Rule 6: Travel in a Group
Rule 7: Keep the Dumb-Dumbs Close at Hand
Rule 9: Kill with Efficiency
Rule 10: Guns Are for Hunting, Not for Zombie Killing
Rule 11: Be Quiet
Rule 17: Don’t Be a Hero
Rule 18: Limber Up
Rule 19: Blend in
Rule 20: Find the Right Shelter
Rule 21: Zombies can’t climb
Rule 22: Plan your Escape
Rule 23: Be ruthless
Rule 24: God Bless Rednecks
Rule 25: No drinking
Rule 32: Enjoy the little things in life.
Coincidentally (or not) most of these rules follow the ways that I learned how to survive when playing Dungeon and Dragons.
When you find yourself in the company of a Halfling and an ill-tempered Dragon, remember, you do not have to outrun the Dragon you just have to outrun the Halfling.
That phrase pretty well sums up the intent of the rules for zombie apocalypse survival.
I give it 4 our of 5 stars, or skulls, or pints of bloody drool.
Whatever, it was a great flick.