Tiki Beer

I have always been leery of warning labels.  Sometimes they seem totally unnecessary and wasteful.  We have all seen the idiot labels that are almost certainly put on products after some litigation nightmare.  Like on a blow dryer:  not to be used in a shower.  Or my personal favorite: 

Disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. 

I not sure if it’s true, but it is funny.  So I usually take it for granted to simply ignore warning labels and rely on my own common sense.


The other night I was sitting by my fire-pit contemplating life, math, and why my brain vapor-locks, when I noticed that on the table next to me was a good example of a warning label that could frankly save a person’s life.


I use Citronella oil in my Tiki torches because fire is cool and it keeps the mosquitoes high in the air where bats can eat them.  I also use citronella oil to quickly start a fire in my my fire pit.  Its much cheaper than lighter fluid and rocket fuel is not allways available.  I use Beer for other reasons, but somehow beer is usually found in the vicinity of my fire pit.  Good thing there is a label that clearly states which one is not for drinking.  I do not usually drink enough that this would become a hazard, but I do have guests over occasionally. 

Maybe I need a warning lable for my beer:

“Has negative effect as an insect repellent.  Not intended as tiki torch fuel.”


This could spawn a whole industry of beer warning labels to be custom made for unique circumstances:

In a bar…..  “Don’t eat the mints”

On the prairie….. “don’t pee on skunks”

In the mountains 12K+….. “Your already high, what are you thinking?”

On the beach…. “I know the bottle is made of sand, but recycling doesn’t include burying me on the beach”

 In a cowboy bar while listening to a band playing rythem and blues…..  “Not effective against chicken wire”

At midnight while watching the movie Warriors…..  “Not a musical instrument”


Open to other ideas…




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4 thoughts on “Tiki Beer

  1. My favourite is “don’t use while sleeping”
    I find it everywhere. On blenders, straightening irons, power drills.
    It just makes me wonder about what caused them to decide to put that on there.

  2. caveblogem says:

    That looks really refreshing. Is the foam actually from the kerosene?

  3. Archvillain says:


    From the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol. 36, No. 1
    As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 21st century physics.
    We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of required warnings appears below.

    • Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
    • Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
    • Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
    • Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.
    • Consumer Notice: Because of the ‘Uncertainty Principle,’ It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
    • Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as ‘Tunneling,’ This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbors Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
    • Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
    • This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
    • Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
    • Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a ‘Gluing’ Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
    • Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
    • New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are ‘Rolled Up’ into Such a Small ‘Area’ That They Cannot Be Detected.
    • Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
    • Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
    • Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
    • Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.

  4. planetross says:

    hee hee! “Warriors … Come out to Plaaaayyyeeee!”

    “Near Beer”: not effective against much but a hangover.

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