Interview: Clarence

Interview: My Garden Gnome Clarence.

While waiting for a response from my latest blogger victim I figured I would do an interview a little closer to home.  My gnome Clarence. I tried to interview my cats, but they would not cooperate; I guess I shouldn’t have tried to interview them just after they ate.


Pf – “Clarence, you are the only garden gnome left in my back yard, what can you attribute your longevity?”

Clarence- “Because you haven’t shot me yet, you cruel, evil, wretched son of a gerbil”

Pf-“I told you, your friends all got jobs overseas”

Clarence-“Like I am going to believe your lies, ya dirty sack of snail snot.”

Pf-“Remember our agreement….”

Clarence-“Ok, Ok,  I saw you speaking to them cats, can’t imagine what you bastards cooked up”

Pf-“What do you think of how the back yard is coming along?”

Clarence-“Well, I have to say it’s really greening up, must be what your feeding them cats, you know they crap all over the place when you’re gone”

Pf-“Well that’s quite enough.  Now on to the ten questions”


1.   What is your favorite word?  “But-floss”


2.   What is your least favorite word?  “Pull!”


3.   What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]? “Watching the squirrel run circles around your cats”


4.   What turns you off? “Losing my paint.  I am starting to look like a bleached Smurf”


5.   What sound or noise do you love? “The sound of the squirrels cussing at the cats.”


6.   What sound or noise do you hate?  “Hail stones striking near by”


7.   What is your favorite curse word?  “Ass-clown”


8.   What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? “Flamingo”


9.   What profession would you not like to do? “Skeet”


10.  If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?  “Hi Clarence, since you’re the first gnome here you get to set the rules.”



7 thoughts on “Interview: Clarence

  1. Tony says:

    Ass-clown, I’ve never heard that one before, classic

  2. S. Le says:

    Hope my Gnomes don’t get wind of this interview. We’ve 4 of them and they may want their own blog!

  3. planetross says:

    “Flamingo” … classic. hee hee!

  4. Allison Huyett says:

    Dear pf,
    Have you been Inside the Actor’s Studio recently? James Lipton has some questions he would like to ask you.

    Yea, I know I stole the last questions from him. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

  5. gnomebuster says:

    Verrrrrry nice. When can we take Clarence out to the prairie? I’m thinking of challenging him to a duel…

    • Clarence is not in season and the penalties are high for gnome poaching.
      You would need a special albino gnome hunting license. They are a rare and listed by the federal government as an endangered species, except in Nevada.

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