Zombie Politics

Many politicians, political pundants, talk show hosts, etc, would like us to believe that there is a huge gap between Democrats and Republicans.  I don’t see this as the case, however, that is a story for another day… These same institutions would also like us to believe that whatever party is in power would follow stereotypical responses to any given issue.  This also depends upon the party affiliation of the person doing the reporting.  For example Republicans generally make the assumption that if the Democratic Party is in power at the White House, taxes will increase, military spending will decrease, and silly social experiments will run rampant.  Democrats will assume that with a Republican dominated administration, military spending will increase, social programs will be cut, tax breaks will go to the rich, and access to abortions will be at risk.  So just for fun, assuming that politically extreme stereotypes are correct, what reaction to a zombie apocalypse can we expect from our government?














This would of course be dependent upon your point of view.  Writing from every possible perspective would entail many, many articles amounting to hundreds of hours of work.  I simply do not have that kind of time.  I have a life after all.  So I will use the extreme stereotypes of each party from the point of view of their detractors.  This is of course a ham handed approach, and is mainly for entertainment value.  Its easier paint with a broad brush when you don’t care what else gets painted.


Zombie apocalypse the Republican response:

Martial law would be established after a week or so of getting FEMA and other agencies act together.  The Department of Homeland Security would immediately begin shooting funny looking people.  This would be primarily by accident no by edict.  San Francisco, New York and the Cahulawassee River in Georgia would be hardest hit.  Mandatory prayer would be instituted immediately by federal law.  This would be due to the fact that hell must be full of sinners and we wouldn’t want any more of that, duh.  Every able bodied male between the age of 14 and 35 would be required to serve in the military.  Corporations would be subsidized to help dispose of all the bodies and hunt down zombies, preferably poor ones.  Halliburton and Blackwater would get the all the contracts. Statistics would come out from the NRA that the cities with the most lenient gun laws were safer.  Construction of Raccoon city would be started immediately; Dick Cheney would be put in charge.


Zombie apocalypse the Democratic response:

Martial law would be established after completing environmental impact studies.  This would take approximately 30 to 90 days.  FEMA would be put in charge of protecting the inner cities from looting.  California, New York, and Florida would get 90% of all funding.  A total gun ban would be put into place to prevent accidental shootings of innocent people who may be mistaken for zombies.  The intergovernmental commission on climate change would decide that the world would be better off without people, but are willing to agree that people should be allowed to exist.  They will endorse alternative methods of zombie disposal only if the bodies can be converted to biodiesel.  Al Gore would start a campaign to show that rising global temperatures caused the disease through positive feedback.  He would make a movie explaining that nothing can be done to stop the disease except cap and trade with mortuaries. Biodiesel companies are targeted for a special windfall profit tax due to the excessive amount of business; the idea of nationalizing mortuaries is considered.  A congressional panel would be formed to find out how the Bush Administration was responsible and they would also claim that they inherited the problem.


Zombie apocalypse response with an administration dominated by Libertarians:

The president would state that it was an issue best addressed by the states, but encouraged governors to supply anyone who can shoot a melon sized target at 25 yards to be issued a firearm if they don’t all ready own one. This message is highly amusing to most libertarians, who shoot melons for fun. Martial law would not be necessary due to the fact that individuals can handle the problem better than national or local governments.  Selection of targets is advertised by private radio stations and the internet using Google maps. People are encouraged to burn marijuana to mark their houses as safe zones. A rash of law suits would result due to shooting people who are not quite zombies yet.  This would create a huge increase in hearse chasing lawyers.  Businesses would do a booming trade in separate head and body caskets, firearm sales, and targeting systems that could sense non marijuana use at 100 yards. Sales of ammo would only be in trade for pure gold.



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7 thoughts on “Zombie Politics

  1. planetross says:

    Zombies don’t usually vote … so no wonder all those political parties are against them.

    Zombies need to “organ”ize.

    • Ross,
      You bring up a good point. If a minor zombie invasion did occur, would they be considered an underrepresented group in the eyes of the government? If so would they gain protection from discrimination? Maybe hireing quotas would be put into place, you may someday eventually work for a zombie. That is unless, like me you already do. Maybe PETA would step in and find that they are at risk of extinction and need to be added to the list of endangered species. Zombies, not PETA.

  2. I like the idea of the layers trying to get in on defending the zombies. “So, you say that he shot at you, huh? And just because you were chewing on the front door? We’ve got to see what we can do about that!”

    And then the zombie eats the lawyer.

    A happy ending!

    And if you haven’t encountered this yet, PF, you really, REALLY need to. I think you’ll like it.

    -Turkish Prawn

    • Outstanding.
      I simply had to post it on my blog.

      BTW, I since politicians are by in large lawyers this may also solve our domestic and foreign relation issues.

      • The song is by Jonathan Coulton and to put it simply, he’s awesome! Geek humor a its best. I highly recommend “code monkey, mantlebrot set, and skullcrusher mountain.” You will not be disappointed.

        You can get them for a buck a song at jonathancoulton.com. If he ever gets out my way, I will move mountains to hear him live.

        -Turkish Prawn

  3. Mike says:

    I’m sure you’ve seen this…but just in case you haven’t:

    • Yes, I saw this a year or so ago.
      I try to keep up on zombie related news.
      As the Zombie Squad says: “if you’re prepared for a zombie apocalypse you’re prepared for anything”
      And yes, I am a member of the Zombie Squad.

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