Toilet paper is like tap water, I don’t usually consider where it comes from or how it gets here, it just there when I need it. My lovely some how always makes sure it is purchased when needed and we never seem to run out. For years and years I never even notice if she ever changed brands, nor do I remember caring if she did.
Until last week.
I won’t go into details about the shortcomings of the new brand of TP, let’s just say that it would have to be pretty serious for me to even notice. Then the boys started to make passing statements like “What’s up with the new TP?” and “Is it supposed to be TP or wrapping paper?” I knew there was an issue with the tissue. I won’t name names, however, let’s just say it’s a national brand that rhymes with carmine. This stuff seems to be made for the sole purpose of decorating other people’s houses and trees. Using it for its intended purpose is, for lack of a better word, is kind of crappy.
So the next time we went to the grocery store, for the first time since I can remember, I was actually interested in what toilet paper we were going to buy. That’s when I noticed something that I never really paid any attention too, namely what toilet paper companies use for advertising.
From what I saw today, bears, puppies, and babies are the big selling points for TP. Ok, I will buy in on the bears, it’s a good joke. What do puppies have to do with TP? They would be better suited for selling news papers. Babies don’t use toilet paper. Sure when I think of babies I think of baby crap, but I learned from experience that you never get regular TP anywhere near a baby. Don’t ask; it’s an ugly story. I guess the point is that the TP is baby soft. Bunnies are soft as well but no one but bears would think of using one to clean themselves after using the toilet.
Bear: “Hey bunny do you have any problems with crap sticking to your fur?”
Bunny: “Nope… Hey wait a minute, put me down!”
At the grocery store we ended up buying the most luxuriant, expensive, and decadent TP we could find.
It turns out my wife is allergic to bunnies.