Do not try this at home….
How many times have you heard this magical phrase and thought “Why not?” I’m a responsible and safe homeowner, just because I am also an amateur mad scientist in training doesn’t mean I don’t know what I am doing. This must be a warning to the real idiots who can’t even launch a bottle rocket with out getting a stick up their nose.
As a service from the IDTIIWY laboratory and FUBAR labs, I offer the Flounder list of what not to try at home. The following examples are based on test results and personal experience.
Under no circumstances should a responsible (sic) mad scientist attempt the following at their place of residence:
Home made rocket motor testing.
High voltage radiation experiments.
Testing trebuchet designs with flammable projectiles.
Rapid vegetable disassembly using firearms.
Flaming Fruit skeet.
Bowling ball lofting.
Bowling pin cannon testing.
Lighting massive quantities of sparklers.
Ditto with snakes, bottle rockets, cones, ground bloom flowers, piccolo peats, smoke bombs, fire crackers, or strike anywhere matches.
Confined mento’s and coke explosions.
Aluminum foil + sodium hydroxide experiments.
Ejection charge testing using over 20 grams of ffff bp.
Dry ice experiments involving use of the expanding gasses in containers that are designed to rupture.
Balloon inflation using hydrogen, propane, butane, oxygen, or natural gas.
Remember the phrase is “Do not try this at home”. It’s all about the home. That is why it is important to find an open field or empty rock quarry to perform these experiments!
So when far away from home in a relatively isolated area with lots of distance to neighbors and police, remember to follow these simple guidelines. This is the voice of experience speaking….
Remember to always wear personal protective gear. This may include but not limited to the following:
Gloves, hard hat, safety glasses, face shield, cod piece, Nomex suit, Kevlar vest, rubber apron, rubber shoes, steel toes boots, chainmail, mouth guard, or sometimes all the above.
Also remember that sometimes the safest way to avoid an accident is to not be there when it happens. It’s best to remotely operate an experiment from a safe distance. Safe is the distance you would keep your mother or dog away from, but not your cat.
As a service to the small minority of experimenters, pyros, rednecks, and amateur scientists that just don’t seem to be able to judge hazards well, I will list a few experiments that should never be attempted. Not by you, me, professionals, stunt men, x-men, or even the men in black. No one should ever do the following:
Bottle rockets, firecrackers, sparklers, arc welders, toner bombs, strong acids or bases, flash bulbs, black powder, flammable liquids, hot oil, or anything involving stinging insects, or cats should ever be part of an experiment while nude.
- Never mix black powder with powdered magnesium and throw it into a camp fire.
- Firearms, explosives, fireworks, heavy objects, flammable gasses, automobiles and short aggressive women should never be mixed with Alcohol.
- Never experiment on the flammability of gasses that naturally occur within the human body. This goes double for cats.
- Never test an un-known voltage with your tongue.
- No mater how hot it is outside, never keep dry ice in your pants.
- Power lines are not for your amusement.
And finally a piece of advice for the young internet surfer that may run across this posting, just because it is on the internet doesn’t make it true. I could tell you that mixing gator-aid and bleach will create a massive explosion, but it won’t change the fact that all it does is make a right foul concoction. Also believe it or not television also lies. Just because it worked for Adam and Jamie doesn’t mean it will work for you.
But its ok, I know people will not take my advice. If we knew what we were doing it would be called experimentation.
The important thing is to not blame me when you burn your cat’s butt while trying to light its farts and it takes off with its tail on fire. It runs all through the house setting fire to the drapes before jumping on to your work bench and rubbing its ass in your bucket of black powder and magnesium.
Remember me when your trying to undo what shouldn’t have been done in the first place.
And don’t forget to submit the video to youtube.com