Mad Rancher

Mad scientists of the past tampered with science to create Frankenstein like monsters. This usually involved grave yards, hunch backs, and huge amounts of electricity. Then came genetic manipulation and the idea of making dinosaurs, or other odd creatures came to light.  Before genetic engineering existed, as a scientific endeavor, and after mad scientists were discredited as myth, there was experimental breeding.  Ranchers and farmers have always fooled around with breeding to get better animals.  The Mule, Race horses, and the miniature poodle are just some results of these experiments.  Today I would like to explore a cross breeding experiment of my own, the mating of the mad scientist and the rancher. Genetic engineering has been done to death by other, more capable, writers. So here is my vision of cross breeding gone wild.

Wouldn’t it be cool if we could cross breed anything? I know that it is not possible but just for the sake of argument what if it was possible? This thought, or fear, probably spawned the idea of many mythical creatures.  I picture in my mind a mad scientist in some alternate universe where inter species breeding is possible. 


Actually, mad farmer or mad rancher would be closer to the mark.  This is probably what I would be tempted to do if I were a farmer with too much time on my hands, and not a lick of morality.  This would make perfect sense at first. A mule is a product of a Donkey and a female horse.  A Yackalo is a cross between a yak and a buffalo.  An enterprising rancher may experiment with all kinds of “New Creations”  The main issue would of course be getting different species to cooperate (Copulate).  Getting some creatures “In the mood” could prove quite difficult.  Especially if they were, let’s say, competing species.  The Jack-a-lope is a myth, but fun to contemplate and a rather funny mental image.  Remember; be careful what you put into your head.  You will never ever get it out.


Artificial insemination would be the answer to a mad ranchers dream. While the extraction on sperm from a target breed and the insemination of the other desired breed my not be appealing, but it would be necessary for a mad rancher to undertake.  However this duty would more than likely fall into the hands of a henchman. A Mad Rancher’s Henchmen? Anyway, think of the benefits.  A Yackalo is good, but cross a cow with a pig and bacon cheese burgers would be that much easier. To push the interbreeding of animals to its logical extreme, I think that experiments that include mixing within different animal kingdoms would be in order.  Sure there are size issues, but nothing that would deter a mad rancher.


The creation of a flying pig may be just what is needed to stop all fighting in the Middle East, as well as many other less important arguments.  Of course some flying pigs may escape into the wild and take up their own amateur breeding program.  This could create a vicious breed of wild flying pigs.  It could also start a new sensation in hunting.  I can only imagine the difficulty of bagging a wild flying pig.  Trying to train a hunting dog to flush one out may need an entirely new breed of dog.  Maybe a Rot-lion, or beagle-bear would do the trick. Only the extreme hunter would attempt this prey.


For extreme animal enhancement, breeding with insects would be hard to beat.  My main thought behind this is the multi legged option, this would seem to have the most potential.  Chickenpeeds would be a boon to the appetizer industry.  Any farm would benefit from a Cowapeed with maybe a hundred udders to milk. 


Careful breading would be necessary to prevent hive mentality from taking over some animal/insect hybrids.  For the truly evil mad rancher this would be a feature, not a bug. (Pun intended) I can’t imagine the troubles that a swarm of carnivorous flying six legged armadillos would cause.  However, they would provide excellent defense for the Mad Rancher if they could be outfitted with those collars that they use to train dogs.  What could be a better defense than a perimeter of six legged carnivorous flying armadillos circling around in the air above a mad rancher’s barn? Of course flying monkeys would be best, but American mad Ranchers are unlikely to be experimenting with animals not found locally. 



All of this is nonsense, of course, but fun to think about. The next step it to play with the pet market.  What strange and wonderful pets could be made? 


Miniature pink elephants for Alcoholics? 

Golden retrievers with wings, to go after those pesky ducks?

Real tribbles for the Star Trek fan?


What pet would you like? 


I personally would like a Dachshund with six legs, striped fur, eats nothing but weeds, and purrs like a kitten.  But that’s just me.



3 thoughts on “Mad Rancher

  1. jimsmuse says:

    I guess I really never got over wanting a pink unicorn. Now that I am an adult, I would worry about being laughed at with such a silly pet, so please genetically manipulate mine to include lots of piranha teeth and possibly some toxic venom.

  2. Burrowowl says:

    I’m hoping to gradually crossbreed monkeys with Englishmen until a very small number of them with typewriters are capable of writing the complete works of Shakespeare.

  3. spudgun says:

    Havent you heard that old Loverboy song? “Pig and Elephant DNA just dont splice!”

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