Villain Jobs

            After my article on Dirty Jobs in Science Fiction it occurred to me that there must be a lot of behind the scenes action in horror movies as well.  I was watching Angel this morning before work. I never thought about it before but, how do they get rid of the bodies at the end of each episode?  Sure vampires simply turn to dust, but how do they get rid of all the demons, zombies, and monster bodies?  You would think that the police department would have a clue as to the presence of all these “creatures of the night” if they simply checked the morgue. 

            I would like to see a CSI episode where some real monsters started showing up.  It would fun to watch the forensics professionals use their formidable skills to track down a super hero.  Then what?  Lock up the hero; he has been illegally acting as a vigilante, killing innocent demons.  I am also sure the Law Offices of ‘Neil and Bob, the ambulance chasing shmuck defenders’ would be all over the case.  Call their 1-800 number …

            That got me to thinking about spy movies.  I am trying to imagine the troubles that some villains have to go through after the Hero is done killing off dozens of henchmen.  They can’t be easy to replace.  Can you imagine the awkward interview questions? 

Interviewer: “Mr Smith, thanks for applying for the position, we will contact you shortly after the background check is complete.  Do you have any questions for us?” 

Mr Smith:  “Yes, how did this position become suddenly available? Last week you said that you weren’t hiring.”

Interviewer:      “Well, that’s a good question, uah, mmmm  well, the last person was…  Mmm promoted, yea he was promoted”

Guy behind the one way mirror: “Huh that’s a good one, promoted.  Write that down.” 

            And where do they take all the henchmen bodies that are lying around after the hero leaves?  There must be a veritable army of people dragging henchmen to a giant pit someplace to bury all the no-name henchmen (Smiths). 

            A true master villain must also have a lot of in-house painters and carpenters in his employ as well.  I can’t imagine keeping all the contractors quiet when they come out to patch bullet holes and replace windows. Not to mention replacing carpet with blood stains.  This kind of work tends to spread rumors amongst the working class. 

            A true henchman may also have issues with cleaning up messes.  I can’t imagine an armed thug in a suit and tie stooping to pick up spent brass from a machine-gun battle.  The grass stains would never come out.  So there must be uet another part of the staff of a villain, the Janitor.  Hench-janitor?  Sanatary-Henchman-engineer?  However, it can’t be easy to come by janitors that are willing to clean up the kind of mess that James Bond or Ethan Hunt can produce.  I don’t even want to get into samurai movies. You can’t pay a janitorial professional enough to pull entrails out of the pool after Chuck Norris or Bruce Lee is done putting the hurt on the bad guys.

          I took an online test to find out what Kind of Villain I am. 

 mr freeze

This is crucial to determining what staff I will need in the future.

Nothing more embarressing that to have a bunch of fearless henchmen who were hired on the basis of thier willingness to work  in the south with a love of alagators, and Cajun music then change your mind after the are hired.  They just won’t fit into my ice palace on the north pole.



8 thoughts on “Villain Jobs

  1. Archvillain says:

    Something wrong with that test. I came out as Doctor Doom. This is obviously incorrect. Sauron, Darkseid, or Lucifer would be closer to accurate (although they’re all puny weaklings by comparison).

    A better test might be this one:

    There are some good answers to your other questions here:

    As for clean-up, why do you suppose I keep all that flesh-eating bacteria around? Then there are the various medical/forensic science schools which I have endowed, the Clone Banks, and extra-dimensional beings with unsavory appetites. For large-scale clean-up, I have a contract with several express shipping companies to deliver “Emergency Food Supplies” to certain tribes in New Guinea.

    Did you seriously believe that successful Evil Overlord-types don’t have a policy for this sort of thing?

  2. jimsmuse says:

    Even funnier than your post about the janitors of the future. I would like to make you my ‘Official Consultant on Fictional Jobs’. You rock, pf.

  3. I do believe that successful evil overlords have a process. However, since I am new to this whole thing, and since I don’t have access to an evil overlord facilities operational manual, and I don’t know anyone from Redmond Washington, I have to wonder how they handle these kinds of things. Maybe that would be a good subject to document. Maybe we could partner on a new manual: The Evil Overlord’s facilities management guide for Dummies.

  4. Archvillain says:

    Did you check out my second link? There’s a whole lot of good info there.

  5. jocasey says:

    Yep, I thought all the fearless henchmen were clones.

  6. jimsmuse says:

    OMG “henchman to an archvillan” is about the coolest job ever. Too bad the real ones are busy cleaning up brain fluid instead of posting to my blog. Sigh.

  7. Archvillain, it sounds like someone is looking for a “Cool Job”

    I am sure you can make up something…..


  8. Mr. Freeze

    I never saw that one coming. I always figured I was more of the Scarecrow variety. A bit insecure and subtle, but a fabulous dancer.

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