I have a good friendwho can, and does, wax poetically about Eastern spirituality and philosophy. Some of the time I view these gems of wisdom as either platitudes, self evident or sometimes mystical nonsensical word wanking.  However, more times than not, I actually think that he knows what he is talking about. Philosophically, I am sure that I get more out of reading his blog than he gets out of mine.     

                So to challenge his wisdom of the ages I will relate how I found the secret to happiness and enlightenment. 

      I, like others before me, am on a constant journey of understanding.  And like Caine, I try to take just a little from what wisdom I find  lying around during my travels.  I didn’t have to journey far, just to the video store.   

      I have found that all of life’s questions can be answered by analyzing the movie Mystery Men.  This is a deeply spiritual movie with undertones of eastern mysticism and western gothic slapstick madness. 

For example, listen and learn from the wisdom of the Sphinx:

  • He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions.
  • To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.
  • We are number one. All others are number two, or lower.
  • When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack.
  • When you care what is outside, what is inside cares for you.
  • Tonight . . . you proved . . . your inexperience. The wise man knows that he is weakest when he thinks himself strong .
  • You must be like wolf pack, not six-pack.
  • You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
  • You were not ready to face so great an enemy. Not until you have vanquished the enemy within yourselves.
  • Learn to hide your strikes from your opponent, and you’ll more easily strike his hide.
  • Casanova will have many weapons. To beat him, you will have to have more than forks and flatulence.
  • Sometimes . . . the true hero is the one with the courage to run away.

Or the wisdom of their un-official leader “the Shoveller”

  • Excuse me, could I say something? I think we would all like this victory to go out to all the other guys, and I’m talking about the people in this city who are super good at their jobs but never get any credit. Like the lady in the DMV – that’s a rough job.
  • We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.
  • This is egg salad. It’s loaded with cholesterol; the wife won’t even let me touch it. It hardly seems to matter now ’cause, chances are, we’re already dead. Amazing is gone, there’s no use waiting for the cavalry, because as of this moment, the cavalry is *us*!
  • So what do you say? Do we all gather together and go kick some Casanova butt? Or do I eat this sandwich?

Such words can not be taken lightly. 

Finally ponder the wisdom of Mr. Furious:

  • You must’ve torn out the “Q” section in my dictionary, because I don’t know the meaning of the word “quit”.
  • What kinda crazy man blows up a crazy house?
  • That could work. I’m a loose cannon. I’m unpredictable. I stormed off, why can’t I storm back?
  • Please don’t correct me, it sickens me.
  • I forgot my address book. Have you seen it? It’s denim… with a kitten on the front… says “hang tough”
  • Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a little bit formulaic? “If you want to push something down, you have to pull it up. If you want to go left, you have to go right.”

Even Yoda could learn something from these men of mystery.

      The movie Mystery Men was of course adapted from the comic of the same name.  Written by Bob Burden, this cult clasic should have at least one more sequil.   There are characters to be introduced, and stories to tell that would literally jump off the screen.  Think of what we could learn from the Flaming Carrot, or Bondoman?  I believe that the potential of the zen like teachings of mr Burden is not to be underestimated.




5 thoughts on “psychofrakulatorishus

  1. Layman Pong says:

    I prefer the subtlety of Egg Shen.

  2. Archvillain says:

    I prefer the wisdom of Jack Burton, myself.

  3. Layman Pong says:

    Who’s Jack Burton?!

  4. Egg vs Jack

    Egg Shen: Can see things no one else can see. Do things no one else can do.
    Egg Shen: I mean, black blood of the Earth.
    Egg Shen: Only a dream can kill a dream.
    Egg Shen: That was nothing. But, that’s how it always begins . . . very small.
    Egg Shen: Wind, fire, all that kind of thing!
    Egg Shen: Yeah, and a wise man has enough sense to get in out of the rain.

    Jack Burton: Hey, what more can a guy ask for?
    Jack Burton: Hey, you never know until you try.
    Jack Burton: I was born ready.
    Jack Burton: It’s all in the reflexes.
    Jack Burton: May the wings of Liberty never lose a feather.
    Jack Burton: Terrific, a six-demon bag. Sensational. What’s in it, Egg?

    Jack wins. Hands down.
    Besides, in the end he got Kim Cattral….

  5. Layman Pong says:

    My teacher persona is heavily informed by Jack Burton, actually.

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