Old shool zombie defence

Or in defense of old school zombies….


Zombie figures


            As far as I am concerned there are only three kinds of zombies.  Voodoo ritual zombies, Undead, and the crazy, evil, rabid, killing machine humans.  The true to form original Romaro zombie seems to be dieing out. (Pardon the pun) The more popular form of zombie seems to be the fast moving, crazy, evil, run down the street scaring the kids’ kind of creature.  What ever happened to the suspense from the creeping shambling hoard?  What happened to the slow mall walking zombie shoppers?  What about Muzac?

            Maybe I am just getting old and nostalgic, but I think that the true to form living dead may be on the way to becoming extinct.  Who is out there protecting this endangered species?  Where is PETA, or maybe it should be PETZ?  There are more zombie movies than ever but the zombies seem to be on some kind of speed.  Like crack zombies or something they are running around angry, and looking for someone to bite.  Who are they mad at?  Look at the last few movies, 28 days, 28 weeks, Dawn of the Dead (New one), resident evil, 1,2,3  and Undead.  They all have fast evil zombies that relish in biting humans.  They show emotion.  I would even go as far as say they are maniacal in nature. How much emotion can a dead zombie on speed show?

            So over the last decade or so zombie movies have become violent and crazy fast.  In the original Dawn of the Dead, the plot was not only one of zombie apocalypse and survival, but a parable on society in general.  A showcase and critic of how Americans have become soft, apathetic, media dependant, lethargic, mall zombies.  Now it’s a new millennium and zombie movies are on steroids.  No longer are movies relying on the suspense of slowly moving undead, the slowest cast members are the living.  What does this say about our current day in age?  Is our attention span so short that only fast zombies can keep us in a theater?  Or is it just the idea that making zombies faster and stronger should be scarier?  I don’t think so, but I am biased. 

            I like the old school zombies best.  One thing that movie theaters could do to really bring back the old school zombie movies is to introduce smell-o-movies.  All they need is some rotten chicken and a fan. 


I can almost see the move advertisements…

“With our zombies no one can here you gag”.

“Smell your way to safety”

“A movie that even your vision impaired friends can enjoy”


Then the competition…

“Fast zombies, you can’t smell them coming”.

“I’m coming for you Barbara…”  “Ewueewu  get away you stink”

-Audience  “Ewueewu….Pass the pork rinds”



One thought on “Old shool zombie defence

  1. Andrew says:

    You’re absolutely right.

    “Rotting flesh, with whited eyes. Vile stench, abhorrent sighs. Always move in lethargy, never cease for your empathy.”
    -A copyrighted quote from one of my recently produced songs

    I’m not entirely sure what the hell is going on in modern “zombie” movies… Such raw aggression could only be the result of intense emotion, or possibly brain damage. But as most of us know (and what the whole world SHOULD know) is that the only functioning part of a zombie’s brain that remains is the stem, rendering them virtually incapable of ANY sort of thought process.

    They’re allowed basic functions, like shambling (though they often stumble on even the smallest of obstacles), feeding (which, like the aforementioned, is greatly affected due to their inability to comprehend how to eat. This would mainly consist of clamping their jaws together and pushing with whatever strength they have left to tear flesh. They can’t chew, that too is meted out by some conscious decision), and occasional moaning (which is usually due to air from the lungs escaping from the trachea, not because they’re “breathing”, although the respiratory system may still be used, just not… capable of doing anything productive for the zombie…)

    Anyway yeah. Enough ranting. GREAT article =)

    – Andrew

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