Snow Biz

I am sure you have heard about the snow that we got yesterday.

All over the news. Everyone is stuck, people are stuck at DIA, cars abandoned on the side of the road, cats and dogs huddled to keep warm…

Not just snow.
Not just a snow storm.
Yep its a blizzard, I found out how you tell a blizzard from just a snow storm.

To be a blizzard you have to comply with all three of these criteria.
1. Winds over 35 miles per hour.
2. Currently snowing a lot.
3. Can’t see over a quarter of a mile.
Well we got a blizzard my friends. And I got to drive home from work in it. Its only 10 miles from work to home, it took me almost an hour. Now I’m sure that I am not going to get any sympathy from my friends and relatives in the city, but what you have to understand it that usually I get from home to work in about 10 minutes.

In the HPM it takes me 15.

The HPM isn’t comming out to play for a while.hpm-snow.JPG

I know that it takes you an hour to go ten miles during rush hour on a perfect day. Thats one of the reasons I live here.
I hate driving when I have to share the road.
Everyone go away and let me drive.

Cars

On my drive home I found three types of drivers. I will call them type AH, Type DA, and Type PF.
This is not news.
Everyone in America believes three things about themselves. They believe that they are fantastic drivers, lovers, and (Men: fix anything) (Women: Fashion experts)
Usually they are wrong on all counts. I know that I am an above average driver (not fantastic) because I haven’t had a accident since I came to Colorado. Not one, no tickets, no ditch hid and seek, nothing. As to the others well, no one’s perfect.

Type AH drivers are the people that were in such a hurry that they are now in a ditch. They have their hazard blinkers on but you can’t see that, just some glowing snow flashing a kind of lonely orange and pink.
Type DA drivers were the ones tailgating the type C drivers, in white cars, with their lights off, on the cell phone. Some will be in the ditch if they don’t hit each other first. Mostly they fumble their way home due to luck.
Type PF drivers. Well I only saw two type C drivers. I was one, and the guy in front of me was the other. He was fifty yards away and going 25 MPH

Well, here are some pointers for people who wish to drive during a blizzard. Or how to become a Type C driver.

#1 Don’t. You should have gone home when they told you to. They are the weather man and the news stations that said and I quote “If you don’t have to drive stay at home”
#2 Turn on your F@!#ing lights. Not your “Driving lights” Yes I know its day light out side and you can see just fine, however I have to be able to see you, dumb-ass, so I don’t hit you. You would think that this would be an act of self preservation, you are driving a sand colored Honda, I am driving a green one ton International Harvester pickup. I may notice you as you careen off my truck, it makes a sound you wouldn’t believe. It may even scratch my truck.

#3 Don’t stop. Never stop at a traffic light, time you approach so you don’t have to stop, drive slowly to the light. If you stop you will waste everyones time spinning your wheels. We live in a rural area not the city, you don’t have to slam on the breaks and stop just in time for the light to change.

#4 Never come to a complete stop going up hill. Please. I don’t want to get out and push your dumb-ass up the hill.

#5 If your only car is a 95 Geo Metro with bald tires take a hint, don’t drive it in the snow. Or save your time and just run it into a ditch early and get it over with.

#6 If you own a 4 wheel drive monster truck you will end up in the ditch. Its a fact, the bigger the truck, the smaller the dick, this makes for a huge ego that must prove itself. So you will drive like a dumb-ass and end up in the ditch. Do us all a favor, find an empty parking lot next time it snows and learn something before trying it out on the rest of us.

So in short, drive like me and stop being a dumb-ass.
And get off the cell phone.

Thank you

-PF

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