Spork Lab results

In the effort to leave no stone un-turned on the subject of Titanium Sporks, here are the much anticipated results of the Spork Torture testing. Sorry but the military stainless steel spoon could not be used in this test due to its call to service in Iraq.

The test subjects are:

#1 Bamboo Chopstick Weighing in at a slim and portable 4 grams.

#2 Ordinary spoon Hefty and stout spoon weighing in at 44.5 grams.

#3 Military issue stainless steel spoon

#4 Plastic Spork from KFC Nearly not noticable at 2 grams.

#5 The Titanium Spork Weighing in at a portable and slim 14 grams

Each test subject will have a control subject that will be observed not being tested. This is to assure quality of the testing process.

The following rules are being strictly adhered to:

Laboratory conditions will be maintained as long as convenient.

No cats will be intentionally harmed.

No endorsements will be accepted until the end of the experiment.

Donations to offset the mileage to the KFC to get the plastic sporks will be greatly appreciated.

First test is what I call the ice cream test. How much weight does it take before the test subjects bend at the neck? Take a look at the apartus used for this experiment. Crude but effective.

Subject Force to bend / break in Lbs

#1 Bamboo Chopstick 15 lbs

#2 Ordinary spoon 25 lbs

#3 Military issue stainless steel spoon

#4 Plastic Spork from KFC 75 grams

#5 The Titanium Spork 7.5 lbs

I observed no change in the Control group.

Second test is the boiling water test. Each test subject is placed in a container of boiling water for 30 seconds then the temperature of the handle is tested.

Subject Handle temperature

#1 Bamboo Chopstick 75 degrees

#2 Ordinary spoon 135 degrees

#3 Military issue stainless steel spoon

#4 Plastic Spork from KFC 125 degrees

#5 The Titanium Spork 90 degrees

I observed no change in the Control group.

Third test is the tine bend test. This test is of course impossible with a standard spoon so they will be excused from this test, and a stunt fork is substituted.

Subject Lbs of force to failure

#1 Bamboo Chopstick 15 lbs

#2 Stunt Fork 18 lbs

#3 Military issue stunt fork

#4 Plastic Spork from KFC 20 grams

#5 The Titanium Spork 7.5 pounds the handle was bending but the tines were holding strong.

I observed no change in the Control group.

The forth test is the side cut test. This test has showed to be just about impossible to perform with out being subjective in nature. I can’t think of a material that I can use that is duplicatable and consistent so this test is canceled. I will substitute opinion while testing each utensil by cutting Pizza rollups and eating the two halves. This of course entails me to have to eat a minimum of 5 pizza rollups. Remember don’t try this at home, I am a professional.

Subject Opinion of cutting ability

#1 Bamboo Chopstick Just crushed the food and useless waste of time.

#2 Ordinary spoon Not bad, it cut nicely.

#3 Military issue stainless steel spoon

#4 Plastic Spork from KFC Horrible, the plastic twisted the handle.

#5 The Titanium Spork Excellent, cut much better then the spoon.

I observed no change in the Control group.

The fifth test is heat retention. I place each item into a vessel of boiling water, remove them all at the same time and record the temperatures. Then test each every 30 seconds to see how fast the utensil sheds its heat.

Subject Temperature vs time in seconds Testing process
30 60 90 120 180

#1 Bamboo Chopstick 120 85 80 75 75

#2 Ordinary spoon 185 125 115 100 85

#3 Military issue stainless steel spoon

#4 Plastic Spork from KFC 163 150 100 75 75

#5 The Titanium Spork 150 95 85 75 75

I observed no change in the Control group.

This is where the test stops for the time being. Later this week I will complete the testing and report back my findings.

The sixth test in this series has been suggested by Caveblogem. Due to being a sucker for violence and mayhem I will do the ultimate test using rocket propellant to try to simulate a prairie disaster. Picture this; you’re standing around the fire pit with your trusty Spork in your shirt pocket waiting for your bbq to warm up when it falls out of your pocket into the fire just as someone tosses in a slug of wimpy red propellant. All you can do is watch in horror and hope your trusty Spork can survive the red flames of doom. This is more common that you may think.

Subject Result

#1 Bamboo Chopstick Not completed

#2 Ordinary spoon Not completed

#3 Military issue stainless steel spoon Not completed

#4 Plastic Spork from KFC Not completed

#5 The Titanium Spork Not completed

I observed no change in the Control group.

So Here is the roundup of all tests and how they score overall.

#1 Bamboo Chopstick

#2 Ordinary spoon

#3 Military issue stainless steel spoon

#4 Plastic Spork from KFC

#5 The Titanium Spork

-PF

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