“Mild” Team Building

 

Over the years I have had the dubious honor of attending many team building exercises.  These are usually intended by management to build team spirit among their employees.  ”Esprit de corps” is the term that comes to mind.  From what I have learned, there are three ways to build this bond that employer’s desire.  

 

First is through all kinds of stupid trust exercises where people fall backwards and hope their co-workers catch them.  Second is through solving problems through voluntary cooperation and sharing of knowledge.  The third is through shared suffering.  Yesterday we mostly hit upon the first and third, mostly the third.

 

One of the guys with Vestas is a serious advocate for fitness.  He lives in Boulder so naturally he is into rock climbing, hiking, and bottled water.  He is in incredible shape and decided that we would all work in a more cohesive unit if we  shared lots of muscle fatigue and finger abrasions.  We went to an indoor climbing gym first thing in the morning.  Not just any climbing gym, but the largest, tallest, most-in-your face climbing gym in all of Colorado.

 

 

Yes I did climb all the way to the top, over forty feet.  And I climbed successfully three and a half times.  Ok, the last time wasn’t all the way to the top, hence the half time.  We spent four hours climbing various diabolically designed walls.  By the time we were done, some of us much earlier than others, most of us couldn’t raise our arms over our shoulders.  My grip was gone.  I was becoming really concerned that I would have trouble with fine motor skills; zippers require a manual dexterity that may problematic.  I stopped drinking so much water. 

 

After lunch it was time to do some hiking.  Our upper bodies were completely useless but, our legs still functioned.  This was apparently an intolerable condition.  In team building everything must be made to suffer equally.  It’s a P&C (HR) thing. 

 

Our hike was up a trail at the foot of the Flatirons.  By up, I do mean up.  We went from 5300’ to 6800’ in elevation over the 2.2 mile hike.  Our guide (health and fitness Nazi) said that it would be a “mild” hike.  The further along the trail we went the more we questioned his definition of the word mild.  After the second mile we passed a sign that said “Chappaqua trail, .22 miles to the Arch.  So we had a little less than a quarter of a mile to go, a good sign.  Then the trail changed to stairs made out of rocks, roots, and flagstone. For those who are keeping track, that’s one thousand, one hundred, and sixty one feet of stairs.  My legs felt like my arms.  I didn’t think I would make it.  Many didn’t.

 

Then on the way down I found out that a different set of muscles are used in the legs to keep you from running down stairs than are used to trudge up stairs.  Yes, trudge is the best description.

 

I got home just in time to find that sitting in a car motionless for over an hour is not the best way to work out muscle fatigue.  

 

The team building was, in my opinion, a success.  Through shared suffering and a common enemy everyone that participated seems to be a little closer.  The group is now little more tolerant of each others quirks, a little less competitive, and in time they will eventually forgive our guide.  Mild also has new meaning. 

 

My muscles have a mild ache.  But I will survive.

 

-pf

“No thank you”

 

I did a little shopping the other day.  Well, actually it was a lot of shopping.  It was one of those days where for some reason I found it necessary to make a lot of stops at many different stores.  In one afternoon went to the grocery store, a home improvement store, a liquor store, an electronics retailer, pet store, and a Sporting goods store.  At each and everyone I was asked if I needed something.  I must have said “No thank you” from six to twelve times at each store.

 

I understand that people who work in these stores have a job to do.  One of their jobs is to be helpful; another is to offer chances to join their club cards, credit cards, frequent customer cards, etc.  Lately they also started asking me to donate my change to give to one charity or another.  This gets to be kind of tedious, but it’s the world we live in and normally I am game with saying “No thank you”, a lot.  Hey, the employees of these fine establishments don’t know that other employees have already asked “Can I help you find anything?” so logically I shouldn’t hold it against them.  But it’s hard not too.  

 

Sometimes I say yes even when I don’t need help, just so the employee can act as a buffer as I make my way across the store.  Others generally don’t ask if I need help if I already have some.  I wonder if other people use this strategy.  If enough people do this maneuver it’s no wonder this kind of thing is getting out of hand.  Everyone seems to need much more help than they used to…

 

So like I said, this is just a little bit tedious on a day where I only visit one store.  But after four or five retail visits I begin to feel assaulted by kindness.  I try really hard not to get snippy.  I know that each person has said the same phrase about a thousand times a day.  They are as tired of it as I am. 
So I am thinking of designing a T-Shirt to help…

 

No thank you, I do not want…

• any help
• a membership card
• to charge this on your store credit card
• to give you my phone number
• help with the groceries
• to give my change to your charity
• a free sample
• a free newspaper
• to take your online survey
• to see a demonstration

I just want to buy some stuff and leave.

 

That should save some time, and help prevent me from seething under my skin while patiently saying “No thank you” for the zillionth time.

 

-pf

Zombieland

 

This weekend I went with my youngest son to see Zombieland. My son is a big fan of zombie films, it’s just one of many things we have in common.  Zombie films are good for is teaching survival skills.  Being prepared is half the battle when dealing with the un-dead.   My friends at the Zombie Squad remind us, if you’re prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse you’re ready for anything   

Also it is important to prepare oneself to view a zombie movie.  Like all movies the key to enjoying the movie experience is location, comfort, and fuel.  The best location to view a movie is supposed to be the center of the theater about halfway to the back.  However, my son and I are abnormally tall so this is out of the question.  We prefer seats in the back corner where there is zero chance of anyone uttering the words “Excuse me” while placing their sizable ass between my face and the screen.  Another essential element to movie enjoyment is to wear loose clothing. There is nothing worse than tight shoes, pants, etc when sitting for over an hour and a half.  It makes me fidgety.  Then there are the required foods for enjoying a zombie movie.  This takes preparation.  For some reason movie theaters do not sell beef jerky.  Go figure.  Zombie movies simply cry out for beef jerky.  So a trip to 7/11 on the way to the theater is a must, so are large pockets to hold your ill gotten booty.  (Pun intended) The jerky must be the large slab type, not the little sticks.  Ripping flesh with your incisor teeth while moaning adds that little touch of realism that other movie goers value so much.  Also the smell is quite appropriate, especially if the jerky is really spicy.  Mmmm it’s like smell-o-vision.  Also popcorn with some kind of seasoning really hits the spot.  I had ranch seasoning and a coke slushy. 

So, while I thought I was prepared it turned out that I didn’t even think of one prime ingredient:  Twinkies.  This is basically the theme of the film, the pursuit of Twinkies.  I was also not prepared to enjoy it as much as I did.  I simply can’t recommend this movie enough. 

Rarely does a movie seem to read my mind like this one.  Not in a way of a predictable plot, but in wish fulfillment.  Each and every plot twist I would think to myself, “man wouldn’t it be great if this would happen” then it did.  From valuable advice, to discussions on the best zombie kill, to theme parks and Bill Murray, everything went exactly where it should go. 

Woody Harrelson either did a fantastic acting job or simply played himself.  I could not tell the difference, but then again I don’t know him personally, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt.  Jesse Eisenberg likewise did a wonderful job.  I really felt like his character morph from a basement dwelling, video game playing, virgin to a cautious but lethal zombie slayer.  That nerd can really swing a toilet lid.  The two girls were nice to look at and did their part as young hustlers, but their role was primarily to provoke, annoy and entice the male cast members.   This is after all a zombie movie not a chick flick.  Women will basically shy away from this film, so this is defiantly not a date movie.  Bring your buddies, stop for hot wings and a beer after the movie.

 One of the best parts of the movie was the list of rules to surviving a zombie apocalypse.  The movie basically revolved around following these rules, showing them in appropriate places, and the never ending quest for the worlds last Twinkies.  Below is the list of zombie apocalypse rules of survival. I found that there are many holes to be filled.  Feel free to try to fill them, I will update as nessessary.  Maybe they will be filled by a sequel, one only can hope.   Most are self explanatory. 

I am sure that the creative minds of my dozen or so readers will jump at the chance…

Rule 1: Cardio

Rule 2: Beware of Bathrooms

Rule 3: Seatbelts

Rule 4: Doubletap

Rule 5: No Attachments

Rule 6: Travel in a Group

Rule 7: Keep the Dumb-Dumbs Close at Hand

Rule 8:

Rule 9: Kill with Efficiency

Rule 10: Guns Are for Hunting, Not for Zombie Killing

Rule 11: Be Quiet

Rule 12:

Rule 13:

Rule 14:

Rule 15:

Rule 16:

Rule 17: Don’t Be a Hero

Rule 18: Limber Up

Rule 19: Blend in

Rule 20: Find the Right Shelter

Rule 21: Zombies can’t climb

Rule 22: Plan your Escape

Rule 23: Be ruthless

Rule 24: God Bless Rednecks

Rule 25: No drinking

Rule 26:

Rule 27:

Rule 28:

Rule 29:

Rule 30:

Rule 31:

Rule 32:  Enjoy the little things in life.

 

Coincidentally (or not) most of these rules follow the ways that I learned how to survive when playing Dungeon and Dragons. 

When you find yourself in the company of a Halfling and an ill-tempered Dragon, remember, you do not have to outrun the Dragon you just have to outrun the Halfling.

 

That phrase pretty well sums up the intent of the rules for zombie apocalypse survival.

I give it 4 our of 5 stars, or skulls, or pints of bloody drool. 

Whatever, it was a great flick.

-pf